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Humor in Outsourcing
Artist
colony, n. (1) a community of free radicals; (2) an
organization that lacks the ability to scale through standards, processes
or technology; (3) a group of artisans. (See also, "free
radical").
Automatic Stay, n. A durable, pliable restraint
system to persuade resident canines not to leave the premises without
permission; a leash.
Bankruptcy,
n. A brawl of investors, creditors with varying levels
of security, suppliers, customers, employees, regulators, tax authorities
and the local community, all surrounding the “insolvent” or bankrupt,
with customers and suppliers living in limbo. A magic wand for
waving away future payments owed under cumbersome leases, license,
employment obligations, pending adverse judgments and other troubles, in
the magical hope of gaining value-enhancing “debtor-in-possession”
financing and getting a fresh start.
"Barney" Deal Structure,
n.(1) A deal based on the theme song from Barney the friendly
dinosaur, "I love you, you love me"; (2) sole sourcing; (3)
non-competitive sourcing, often based on prior relationship of the
parties.
Boilerplate,
n
. (1) terms in a contract, a
securities-law disclosure or privacy policy that can be easily transferred from
year to year, or from company to company, with no change; (2) the terms and
conditions of a fair, well-negotiated outsourcing agreement, except for terms on
price, pricing credits, statement of work; (3) the terms and conditions of the
customer’s first draft during the selection phase.
See “Management’s Discussion and Analysis” and “Redundancy.”
BOT,
n. (1) build-operate-transfer model of
infrastructure finance; (2) outsourcing and offshoring with a call
uptown to a new captive.
Business Partner Selection Process:
"Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences
over another set."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"There's small choice in rotten apples."
-William Shakespeare
Calamity, n.
A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder
that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are
of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to
others. [Ambrose Bierce, Devil’s Dictionary.]
Captive,
n.
(1) struggling entity, whose employees are striving to
be set free and to find a career path in an independent
sourcing provider; (2) global orphan.
Compliance:
Q: What do you call the corporate officer in charge of money
laundering compliance? (The role will involve responsibilities
for identifying legally mandated money laundering rules, setting policies
and procedures and training in-house personnel and collaborating with
suppliers and customers, for money laundering compliance.)
A. There's no
official rule, so it's anyone's guess. If the organization
were Yahoo!, for example, it could be "Chief
Anti-Ya-Hooligan." For a more classic organization, the
title could be "Chief Anti-Privacy Officer, "Chief Information
Conscript," "Money Laundromat Monitor," "Chief PATRIOT," "Chief Tool
Officer" or "Chief Money Officer." For an organization
seeking more productivity from its existing Chief Privacy Officer,
the CPO could add the honorific "Chief
Schizophrenic." For government officers, the
person might have to be a CAML-O, who, like a camel, must go a long
way between information drinks. (Chief Anti-Money Laundering
Officer, for short.).
Confidentiality Agreements:
For some companies, drafting clear and effective non-disclosure
agreements becomes not only a legal issue, but also takes on a quasi-religious
quest for truth. One data center outsourcing company we know hired
a former monk just to review confidentiality agreements. We suppose
he knows how to keep his mouth shut.
Continuous improvement, n.
(1) getting smarter as you get older, subject to a little road wear and
an emerging spare tire; (2) CSE (“continuing sourcing education”); (3)
contract clause for application of an exponential scale of effort for future
adjustments of service level agreements, with a logarithmic scale of
immeasurable benefits to the customer; (4) unenforceable wish for a long term
contact.
Contracts:
Q: When is the outsourcing contract rated “XXX”?
A: When the open items for final agreement are marked “XXX”.
We’ve done it many times. It helps focus our intention on errors,
omissions and whatever else “XXX” means to us.
Contract Duration:
"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
This period
is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or the day improper
- the former devoted to the sins of business, the latter consecrated to
the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap
"Year, n. A period of three hundred sixty-five disappointments."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our
friends are true and our happiness assured."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Hurry, n. The dispatch of bunglers."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Contract Formation:
"The vow that binds too strictly snaps itself."
-Tennyson
"Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather,
but only one in foul."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Lawful, n. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Contract Interpretation:
"Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Core Competency:
"Ability, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part
of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men [or organizations] from
the dead."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Ignoramus, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge
familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing
about."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Cram-Down:
Cram-Down, n. A method of eating pizza that can cause a
President to lose consciousness. A democratic method for enabling
one set of economic interests with claws into a debtor to force another
to either eat at the same table or
eat crow.
Creditor:
Creditor, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond
the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
[Ambrose Bierce, Devil’s Dictionary.]
Dispute Resolution:
"Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as given
each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not
to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their errors."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition
the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and
personal service."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Litigant, n. A person about to give up his shirt for the hope of
saving his skin."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Litigation, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out
as a sausage."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Obstinate, n. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the
splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of
obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
DRM, n. acronym,
denoting (1) digital rights management, (2) data remotely managed, (3) dutiful
relationship manager.
Due Diligence:
Due Diligence, n.
Economic entity, n.
(1) a unit of economic resources for which UK’s TUPE law protects the
jobs of employees working for such unit; (2) a portable telephone; (3) a
wireless laptop with VOIP and a wireless LAN; (3) a knapsack with pencil and
writing paper in the proximity of a phone booth.
Flight Risk, n. (1)
probability of escape by an accused, as a judge’s
consideration in the setting of the amount of bail at arraignment;
(2) risk of bodily injury or property damage from aircraft; (3)
probability of a key employee’s departure from the outsourcing service
provider before completion of transition or training of a replacement.
Force Majeure (excuse for
non-performance):
"Accident, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the inaction of immutable
and natural laws."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Food Service (Outsourced):
The New York Times,
a well-known authority on outsourcing, ran an article in late
September 2002 on ROI for letting someone else make your meals.
Conclusion: it's cheaper to eat your meals in a restaurant, or buy
pre-cooked meals, than prepare meals at home. By outsourcing the
project tasks of meal planning, shopping, storage and organization of food
components, freezing and thawing, purchase, assembly and storage of
cooking utensils, scheduling of operations, slicing, dicing,
place-setting, serving and clean up, the newly contented consumer will be
freed.
"Dine with us. You can
concentrate your time and core family values on being with your loved ones
and attending to their family needs," clowned Roger McDonald,
spokesman for an international chain of restaurants serving wholesome and
nutritious family meals. "MRE ("meals ready to eat,"
in Army slang) from a restaurant or store provide psychological and
financial rewards as well, taking into account the time-value of your
dinner," he added.
The calculation of the cost savings probably resembles
the algorithm of the typical IT or business process outsourcing vendor,
including capital equipment amortization, ramp up and down, labor,
technology and process. And with business-process mapping
software linked to project management software, the restaurant or
store-bought meal could be demonstrably cheaper.
But there's no place like home, or a
meal cooked by Mom.
Free radical, n. (1)
in a biochemical solution, a compound with an unbalanced valence, seeking
to attach itself to another compound with an unbalanced opposite valence;
(2) in politics, a type of student released on bail; (3) in outsourcing, a
type of employee or internal organization resistant to business process
transformation. (See also, "artist colony").
Indemnity, n. (1) contractual
assumption of another's liability; (2) pain-sharing.
Information Technology:
Res Itsa Loquitur, n.
Latin phrase meaning "The Information Technology Services Agreement 'thing'
speaks for itself." Liberally translated, it means that if the
obligation is not clearly stated in the contract, it might as well be
"Greek to me." This hoary high-falutin' phrase should not
confused with the equally ancient Latin phrase, res ipsa loquitur, a
general principle of evidentiary law. The latter phrase explains the
evidentiary rule that creates a rebuttable presumption that the defendant was
negligent. The negligence is proven by showing that the instrumentality
causing injury was in the defendant's exclusive control, and that the accident
was one that ordinarily does not occur in the absence of negligence.
Certain sophists believe there is no difference between ITSA and IPSA,
since "the other guy" always had control of the computers, and
"the other guy" always is the one who is negligent in the use of
information technology.
Backup, v.
(i) to intentionally create a copy for the purpose of eventual re-use in
case of loss, destruction or inaccessibility of the original; (ii) to reverse,
intentionally or unintentionally, directions, as a car moving from forward to
backward; (iii) to send, usually unintentionally, the original output back to
its origin. Depending on the context, "backup" could be
either a "best practice" for business continuity planning and disaster
recovery, or a "worst practice" that never achieved proper completion,
showing gross negligence. See
http://www.outsourcing-law.com/casestudies/NegligenceConstruction.htm
E-Government:
E-Government, n.
(1) "exquisite and elegant government," where citizens, contractors
and government live in harmony; "The United States of Nirvana"; (2)
"e-biquitous" government, with omniscient operating systems and
harmonized databases universally accessible; (3) "electronic
government," that is, government of the IT people, for the IT people and by
the IT people; (4) "exceptionally private" government, that is, where
the citizen's privacy is protected (except for national security, defense,
health, drug-trafficking, money-laundering, tax cheating and the Freedom of
Information Act and other exceptions not including leaks).
Infrastructure:
Q:
What is a “legacy” infrastructure?
A: A computer that can’t be
taught to do what you want.
Q:
What’s a “legacy business process”?
A: One that you want to change
but can’t…unless you “outsource” it. (Then comes the
corporate transformation, with “legacy personnel” dealing with new business
models.)
Q:
What are GAAP?
A: Gods of Absolute Accounting
Purity (not Generally Accepted Accounting Principles).
Inshoring, n.
(1) barefoot clamdigging; (2) staying on one’s own island; (3) hiring a
Native American Indian call center; (4) empowerment of home-based educated
workers with predictable free time schedules; (5) the virtual Mommy track.
Insourcing, n. (1)
"what happens when foreign-headquartered multinationals operate
subsidiaries in the United States." (Wall St. Journal editorial, Dec. 1,
2004, p.1); (2) by extension, any foreign business, transaction or even
investment in or with your homeland.
Outsourcing, n. (1)
Offshore outsourcing. (See "Insourcing," as defined by Wall St.
Journal); (2) Outbound business, transactions or investment.
Intellectual Property:
"Plagiarism, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable
priority [by the other person] and an honorable subsequence [by me]."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
International Outsourcing:
Q: In international outsourcing, what is
“plain English” ?
A: It’s English that anyone in the world
can understand. Maybe we should call this “WWW
Browser-Compatible English.” (How plain and simple it gets is
measured by how your lawyer reads it.)
Q: What law do you choose when the deal
involves three countries: an American customer, the U.S. subsidiary of a
foreign-owned service provider, and a foreign subcontractor in a third
country?
A: Any law that anyone understands. If you
can’t understand it, maybe you don’t want any law to govern, and just
decide on how and where to deal with disputes.
Q: What’s the difference between a
domestic outsourcing and an international outsourcing?
A: Maybe none. The
challenge is to get the benefits of the differences and take advantage of
the similarities.
IBM Global Services, n. A established
service business that supports related businesses of licensing,
manufacturing, business consulting and technology design; generally, with
limited exceptions, such global services are independent of any particular
platform of technology. This company distinguished itself by having
been the subject of an antitrust lawsuit that accused the company of tying
services to goods. The shackles of that decree have been lifted.
Mass hiring, n.
(1) a “relevant transfer” that results in worker protection under
UK’s TUPE law; (2) the moral equivalent of a mass layoff under UK law (TUPE
2006).
Mass layoff, n.
(1) a termination of employment of a large mass of U.S. workers in an
economic entity that requires a 60-day prior notice under the U.S. WARN Act, (2)
the moral equivalent to a mass hiring.
Microsoft Global Services, n. A
service business, threatening to emerge, that will likely support related
businesses of licensing, manufacturing, business consulting and technology
design; generally, with limited exceptions, such global services may be
expected to be dependent on the use of a particular platform of operating
system technology. This company distinguished itself by having been
the subject of an antitrust verdict that the found company had illegally
tied an Internet browser to an operating system software. The
shackles of the final judgment of remedy never included any restriction on
"outsourcing" or other services by this company.
Internet and eCommerce Outsourcing:
"Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the
goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging
to E."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Harbor, n. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed
to the fury of the customs."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Merchant, n. One engaged in commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit
is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Money, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when
we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society.
Supportable property.
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of
the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Investment in Enterprise:
"Wall Street, n. A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke.
That
Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful
thief in place of a hope in Heaven."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Joint Venture:
Hybrid (sometimes
misspelled or understood as "high bid"), n. Investment-banker's
language for a joint venture. It's a "hybrid" till one
venturer issues a "high bid" to buy out the other venturer.
The term may be confusing when spoken in foreign English
("international English"), so listen carefully.
Negotiations:
Q: How do you know if the parties are getting along in the negotiation?
A: By the number of personal insults they jokingly hurl at each other
to “break the ice.” We’ve seen it become a matter of personal
pride in how many “zingers” one can sling. (Caution: don’t
do this to the other side till they have done it to themselves.
Some of the best insults are from your own co-workers.)
"On Demand" Services:
"On Demand" Computing, n. Information
technology services managed by McDonald's Corporation; virtual technology.
"On Demand" Food Services, n.
Fast-food services managed by IBM; virtual food.
OPK,
n. (1) Other people's knowledge; (2) intellectual
property, not invented here. See also OPM (other people's money).
Outsourcing Service Providers:
Q: Who was the first outsourcing service
provider?
A: Noah. He delivered 100% uptime, 24/7/365 for the full duration of
the millennial flood, without even claiming forece majeure. Indeed,
he included disaster recovery in his core services offering. For
occasional computing capacity, he may have used an abacus and other analog
devices to count the
pairs of animals.
Q: But Noah only built his ark for himself and his family,
no? That's not outsourcing!
A: Sure it is. Outsourcing is the transfer to an external
service provider of the operational responsibility for managing an essential
infrastructure, while the customer retains responsibility for overall operations
for a limited duration of the deal. The case was perfect for
outsourcing. The indigenous "in-house operations" on earth
had really gotten out of hand. In effect, God hired Noah to manage the
"totally animal" infrastructures of the day. God
leveraged Noah's ark service to destroy the competition (the fruits of the
Devil). Noah's compensation reportedly included gain-sharing
and other performance-based remuneration. Noah got not only a base
compensation, but also enjoyed gain sharing through ownership of the offspring
of the "totally animal" infrastructures entrusted to his custody.
Q: But there was no renewal or cross-selling. That's not outsourcing!
A: True, renewal and cross-selling evolved
later. Nonetheless, Noah's ark represents a veritable watershed as
the first recorded deal in the "transitional outsourcing" model.
Thus was born the initial model of "one-shot"
outsourcing. The transition was such a success that no renewal was
justified. The outsourcer performed exactly as the customer
ordered and was free then to proceed to solicit the next customer, if one could
be found in the same market.
Q: Which is the fastest way to success as an outsourcing services
provider?
A: Know your customer. The more intimately, the better. If you can the customer
to pay for the intimacy, it's even better.
Q: What is the surest road to success as a consumer of outsourced
services?
A: Know yourself. It's OK to know the vendor too, but don't let him know you
better than you know yourself. By the way, how do you know what you don't
know?
Outsourcing "Package" WARNING:
"The Sturgeon General has determined that outsourcing may be dangerous to
your smell. Use caution when consuming in mergers, business transformation
and corporate restructuring. Consult your Consultant and Lawyer for proper
use."
Electoral ballot propositions for Nov. 5, 2002 (U.S.
National Election Day):
HALLOWEEN PROPOSITION 101: "Should the Constitution
of this State be amended to require that State Government hire itself to the
citizenry based on an outsourcing model of government, to wit, viz, each task of government shall be set forth in a statement of
work, with commitments to predictable levels of service, for agreed
charges, within certain bandwidths of service levels with proper
management and charge management premises?"
Backup, v. (i)
to intentionally create a copy for the purpose of eventual re-use in case
of loss, destruction or inaccessibility of the original; (ii) to reverse,
intentionally or unintentionally, directions, as a car moving from forward
to backward; (iii) to send, usually unintentionally, the original output
back to its origin. Depending on the context,
"backup" could be either a "best practice" for
business continuity planning and disaster recovery, or a "worst
practice" that never achieved proper completion, showing gross
negligence. See
http://www.outsourcing-law.com/casestudies/NegligenceConstruction.htm
Regulation of Service Providers:
Q: What's the difference between a vain emperor who
buys clothes from itinerant "tailors" and a regulated
electricity trading exchange that buys IT from an outsourcer?
A: Not much. In one case, the emperor
wore no clothes, and the service providers concealed their ruse. In
the other case, the "emperor" set up his own ruse but could not
see that the gaping holes in the regulations. In each case, the
customer blamed the supplier for the customer's poor judgment, the
children saw the truth, and the politicians were greatly embarrassed for
their own vanity.
Re-Sourcing, n.
(1) transferring a scope of work of an economic entity from one service
provider to another; (2) churn; (3) turmoil, (4) job opportunity for consultants
and lawyers.
Responsibility:
Responsibility Matrix, n. A cross-word puzzle evolving over time
and designed by multiple opposing parties, with each seeking to define
both the question and the answer. A business process designed by
committee.
Rich:
Rich, adj. Holding in trust
(and subject to an accounting) the property of the indolent, the
incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. [Ambrose
Bierce, Devil’s Dictionary.]
Risk Management:
"Insurance, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player
is persuaded to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the
man who keeps the table."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Rubbish Removal" Deal Structure, n. (1) "My mess
for less"; (2) Getting a difficult job done by someone else for less
than insourcing.
Sarbanes-Oxley: News item: Sarbanes-Oxley
Morons Defeat Outsourcers' Apprentices at Outsourcing Superbowl.
Palm Desert, California, January 26, 2003. The National
Regulatory League reports that the Washington, D.C. "Beltway"
team, the famed Sarbanes-Oxley "Morons," defeated the elite
Outsourcers' Apprentices, 48 regulations to 21, in a championship duel
seen by 300 million viewers on internet television. The first annual
Outsourcing Superbowl event was played under "unilateral
governance" rules, with each side maneuvering to impose its methods
of conducting outsourcing business. The rules provided for a series
of rounds, including RFI, RFP, selection, negotiation, transition,
benchmarking, renegotiation and/or in-house recapture. The
championship was awarded to the team that successfully imposed most of its
rules in each round.
No points were allowed
for litigation or penalties from backing the opponent into liability,
breach or regulatory non-compliance. "The Beltway team applied
their usual [Sarbanes-Oxley] 'oxymoronic' strategies for preventing us
from protecting our confidential business operations. They came at
us fast and furious, with multiple rules and regulations on auditor
independence, attorney whistle blowing, disclosure of material
contingencies and who knows what. They just kept coming at us,"
said Michael "Mickey" Mouse, coach of the Outsourcerers'
Apprentice team. "Our defenses of confidentiality agreements,
one-on-one sales pitches and confidential ADR procedures just could not
withstand such a withering attack."
SCM, n. acronym,
usable in “scope of services” or advertisements and resumes, denoting (1)
supply chain management; (2) service cost method of intercompany tax accounting;
and/or (3) some cool method.
SEC:
WYSIWYG, n. (1) acronym for "what you say is what
you get," for which you could get slapped by the SEC for
misspeaking as an insider; (2) acronym for "what you see is what you
get," formerly used to describe (generally unsatisfactory) computer
graphical user interfaces.
Service Level Agreement:
"Plan, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an
accidental result."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Services Aggregator:
Press Release, May 22, 1852 [Riverboat Newswire].
Sawyer & Finn, Inc. Announces New
"Services Aggregator" Model for Merchants Navigating Mississippi
River.
Huckleberry Finn, President of fabled engineering,
logistics and construction management firm Sawyer & Finn, Inc. [NY
Curb Exchange symbol: SIN], announced the firm's new services delivery
model, "services aggregation," to assist its riverboat clientele
in provisioning ship stores, fuel, entertainment services and related
sundries, liquor, cigarettes, cigars, snuff, gambling paraphernalia and
other logistical operations.
The new service, called "QCCI™"
(for "quis custodiet custodies ipsos") or "QC"
for short, is a customized agglomeration of services selected and provided
by Sawyer & Finn, services selected by Sawyer & Finn but provided
by third parties, and any other services selected by Sawyer & Finn
customers who can't be bothered with the details. "We
found that our clients wanted to focus their attention on soliciting and
attending to their prize high-stakes gambling clients. The nuts and
bolts of running a paddlewheeler were just too troublesome for them.
Through our QC services offering, our customers can reap unlimited
shareholder value through seamless provisioning from multiple vendors
under the trusted project management and contract management skills for
which Sawyer & Finn is rightly famous," said Finn.
"We realized that our clients were not being well served by having
to deal with the usual array of varmints, scoundrels and hucksters that
prey upon legitimate riverboat operators," said Tom Sawyer, Executive
Vice President and Manager of Provisioning Services. "To
keep these suppliers honest, we offer a special service to manage them, as
well as to insinuate (oops, "integrate") our own delivery
services from our own warehouses."
Founded in 1851, Sawyer & Finn, Inc. is a
leading engineering and construction management firm, with offices in
Alton, Illinois, St. Louis, Missouri, Paducah, Kentucky, and New Orleans,
Louisiana.
Shared Responsibility:
"Accountability, n. The mother of caution."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Accuse, v. To affirm another's guilt or unworthy; most commonly
as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves
who have their hands so deeply inserted into each other's pocket that
they cannot separately plunder a third."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between
two nations [outsourcing parties?], separating the imaginary rights of
one from the imaginary rights of the other."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
"Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders
of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor [or outsourcing services
provider?]. In the days of astrology, it was customary to unload it upon
a star."
-Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Staffing of Outsourcing Services:
Outsourcing is a complex and serious matter impacting many people amidst
multiple constituencies. As with other human endeavors, it is healthy
to see the humorous side. Let's see what the seers say about various aspects
of outsourcing.
Q: How many outsourcing vendor programmers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: Zero. It's an engineering problem.
Q: How many enterprise retained employees does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Zero. It's the outsourcing vendor's job.
Solutions:
Solutionism,
n. Philosophy and methodology of business process
reengineering and systems integration as the immutable crucible for all
rational business improvement.
Solutionation,
n. (verb: to "solutionate") Hallucination about
providing a solution that includes services, intellectual property,
equipment, financial services, accounting agility and a slice of real
estate on a global basis; pre-vaporware.
SLA, n. Solution level agreement. For newly
designed services, dispute resolution mechanisms are essential toward to
avoid confusing agreed levels of "solutions" with "solutionation."
Transactions:
Q: How do you know the typical vendor team in an
outsourcing transaction?
A: You know them by the company they keep: by the hotel where they stay,
by the rental vans they choose, and mostly by the places where they take
customers for meals. Good teams normally "reside" at the
client's site, coming in from home offices around the country. (Did you
know that rental vans make great conference rooms?) If this were a foreign
country, they'd be taxable as having a "permanent establishment"
(as the tax treaty says) for their perennial presence at the customer's
site.
Q: Which Broadway song made due diligence respectable?
A: "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you."
Utility Computing:
"Utility Computing," n. Data
processing as a continuum of generation, transmission and distribution of
e-business services. In the
hands of free-traders, a form of capitalist free enterprise in which providers
can enhance "utility" computing market efficiency through direct services (with zero-latency
scalability) or indirectly (by legal and financial engineering, such as futures
contracts and securitization). In the hands of regulators,
"utility" computing is a yoke for
social politics, including environmental controls over the customer and the
provider, redistribution of benefits to socially disadvantaged, bureaucratic
regulation and an annuity for cost accountants, lawyers and consumer advocates.
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